Header Photo: Leon Neal (Getty) / @GoodZilla (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 3-2-18
— The worst thing about prison was the dementors. (@LILBR4TX) February 27, 2018
*A man accidentally bumps me*
MAN: Sorry.
ME: No problem, man!
*Later, in my journal*
ME: “Sorry” he says? SORRY?!? “Sorry” doesn’t unwrinkle my coat. “Sorry” doesn’t return the time that was stolen from me. “Sorry” is a glass of water after I’ve already died from dehydration
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) February 27, 2018
Show yourself Inspector Gadget pic.twitter.com/w1bgtYZFUS
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) February 28, 2018
bartender, after checking my id: youre gonna be happy later in life that you have a baby face
me: aww tank u can i pweeeease have a beew
bartender: get out
— erotic fiction author (@urvillageidiot) March 1, 2018
This has to be the earliest sketches I made for the Simpsons opening title. Circa May 1989, in a meeting with Matt Groening and Sam Simon. Notes are fairly intelligible, tho they were only meant for the 1989 me. The 2018 me doesn’t recall everything. pic.twitter.com/pX0bLvt9Hf
— David Silverman (@tubatron) February 23, 2018
so the two white actors from black panther are from lord of the rings which makes them the tolkien white guys has anyone done that joke yet
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) February 21, 2018
wait wait i seen this i know how this fight ends pic.twitter.com/mI3ttzapCV
— Zeddy (@Zeddary) February 22, 2018
[telling people about Drive]
So, it’s about an Uber for criminals, right? But then someone gives him two stars…
— Radrosaur (@CopernicusG) February 2, 2018
One of the best xmas gifts I ever gave was I bought some X-rated movies & made fake DVD covers for them so her parents wouldn’t find them pic.twitter.com/352pRYprWv
— left at london (@LeftAtLondon) October 20, 2017
Change the text color to white and Wisjdlsjzoekoqndoewko away at your keyboard https://t.co/xhMrUJKlEW
— King Nathan, XVI (@RodriguezDaGod) February 20, 2018
jesus christ pic.twitter.com/cIQ6I0WYuQ
— bobby (@bobby) February 23, 2018
not having a phone for the past few days has actually been pretty relaxing and has shown me that i relied on it way too much. lol sike this blows i’m stressed as hell and it’s a disadvantage in literally every way
— The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) March 1, 2018
Is there anything as cursed as front facing simpsons characters? pic.twitter.com/Q226ZwWIpN
— Jason (@ayyjqce) February 28, 2018
I’m afraid to leave voicemails because what if I end up becoming an interlude on someone’s album
— RON GRAY (@ClouttMonster) February 26, 2018
Heck yeah I want nudes
New
Undeveloped
Distinct images
Effectively showing
SPIDERMAN pic.twitter.com/dI53nBlkKL— Jack The Jew (@okimstillhungry) February 27, 2018
the “what are those!!” joke in black panther means that vine exists in the marvel universe sooo does that mean the avengers have seen this pic.twitter.com/itC1DxmdV0
— ummmheather (@ummmheather) February 26, 2018
Me: please grab some updog on the way home
ExWife: for the last time the kids and I are never coming back
Me: not much what’s up with you?
— Wilfredo (@smells_fine) April 30, 2017
ah, thank you, that clears up my confusion pic.twitter.com/wViS2g5qWt
— Migrant Twerker (@SortaBad) February 28, 2018
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
— Zilla (@GoodZiIIa) February 27, 2018
10/10 for whoever did this full bowling green-sized cock and balls in the snow. Beautiful that it remains untouched too. A clear respect for art in Sheffield. pic.twitter.com/aZ9icrNRyg
— Daniel Dylan Wray (@DanielDylanWray) February 28, 2018
