Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / ret byram (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 9-8-17
Never as popular as her sisters Home and Office, Cabinet Depot opened for one day in 1993 and then never again pic.twitter.com/dl8EkIO4nD
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) September 7, 2017
ME: run it again
WAITER: ma’am, it’s a Blockbuster card from 1994
ME *leans in close* I said run it again— hannah (@MUMSIEesq) August 16, 2017
hello yes I wish to rent three babies and ten guests for a party on Friday pic.twitter.com/l6Zz9GjyeB
— shrimp eating mammal (@walruslifestyle) September 7, 2017
Butt Plug pic.twitter.com/Q4Kl6Cww8B
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) September 6, 2017
Clark Duke is the perfect mix of Wayne and Garth. pic.twitter.com/pBm3u4MEng
— Gary Dudak (@dudakattack) August 5, 2017
Anybody know how to keep vermin out of backyard trees? https://t.co/hHGIxhx1I3
— Ralph Garman (@RalphGarman) September 7, 2017
No offense to @BryanCranston but this is what was missing from the rebooted #PowerRangers pic.twitter.com/Xk2jppiQJB
— Randall Maynard (@randallmaynard) September 7, 2017
Bro just pick a fucking seat already pic.twitter.com/cHBsNaasvd
— Daniel (@MyFavsTrash) September 7, 2017
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) September 6, 2017
“Babe can you move over?” “But I don’t have mushroom” pic.twitter.com/pxcC2FxObU
— no (@tbhjuststop) September 7, 2017
Yup. There’s surely no downside to having fewer editors at papers these days … (h/t @loljocks_grimey) pic.twitter.com/HWaulj7SRG
— Steve Cavendish (@scavendish) October 6, 2016
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) September 7, 2017
The earliest recorded use of that Snapchat filter. pic.twitter.com/fona2RyWYC
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) September 2, 2017
This would be clutch asf. pic.twitter.com/byyCC59N85
— cAsH (@CashNastyGaming) September 7, 2017
[the invention of knocking]
i’m gonna punch your house until you talk to me
— glam cabal (@themiltron) April 30, 2017
I think I found a way to get President Trump to read Obama’s powerful statement about #DACA: pic.twitter.com/lEPIeV67O3
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 7, 2017
if you’re too drunk to drive and wanna lower your blood alcohol content just drink a couple pints of blood. seems obvious to me
— ret byram (@rad_milk) September 3, 2017
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) July 3, 2017
your novel when it’s still an idea in your head vs. your novel when you actually start writing it pic.twitter.com/nrGApW2EHL
— JuanPa (@jpbrammer) February 11, 2017
trust me im trying pic.twitter.com/TAWNZSkDGb
— َ (@vesselkeith) September 6, 2017
