Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / Comedic Bust (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 3-31-17
BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you’re a zoo keeper none of them should get away— tomsauced (@trojansauce) March 22, 2017
using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
— Lourdes (@gossipgriII) March 25, 2016
When you lie on your resume but still get the job pic.twitter.com/SN1anE29vG
— Yael (@elle91) March 28, 2017
Dick pics are for amateurs. Real men get out there and disappoint women in real life too.
— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 7, 2016
Hahahaha oh man that shit was <spends 7 minutes looking for flame emoji>
— josh groban (@joshgroban) March 20, 2017
yes, but in the exact opposite of the way you’re thinking pic.twitter.com/luB8fHnoUX
— Clinton Portishead (@Rob__Sly) March 28, 2017
me: is extra cheese free
chipotle employee: yes
me: can i get extra cheese
chipotle employee: yes
me, turning to camera: https://t.co/dQTV9xw6kg— jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) March 24, 2017
When another boy has a balloon pic.twitter.com/y1v1iy2CYp
— Daniel “Kibblesmith” (@kibblesmith) October 9, 2016
I always walk around with a scowl on my face so people think I’m tough, but really I’m just mad that my carnations aren’t blooming properly.
— Comedic Bust (@ComedicBust) March 28, 2017
It’s not perfect, but they make it work. pic.twitter.com/Q7eANaGdPv
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) March 28, 2017
Surely there an easier way to take your shoes off. pic.twitter.com/PlpocUCpMC
— Darwin Award (@AwardsDarwin) March 24, 2017
came across a little canadian twitter drama tonight pic.twitter.com/GFlaZqO5Mu
— Bita (@Voldemorts_Lord) March 22, 2017
I deeply relate to avocados because I too have a very narrow window in a 3-day span where I look good and then suddenly turn to gross mush.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 26, 2017
The only thing keeping me from my successful ninja career is my unfortunate tendency to yell out each ninja move before I do it.
— She’sARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) March 22, 2017
Hail Satan pic.twitter.com/jNhGGjvfxM
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) March 25, 2017
If you told me abandoned JCPenneys were the remnants of some failed military dictatorship I’d believe you pic.twitter.com/GnusQYNI1j
— David Huber (@davidhuber_) March 23, 2017
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) March 20, 2017
Meanwhile, at today’s meeting on feline healthcare… pic.twitter.com/wApNyFS7jz
— Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) March 24, 2017
Josh McCown is like the Nicolas Cage of NFL QBs. He hasn’t done anything in years and yet he still manages to get starring roles.
— Adam Rank (@adamrank) March 21, 2017
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) August 22, 2016
