Hatchimals are predicted to be the hottest toys of the 2016 holiday season, and as a grown-ass adult man who for some reason wants one of these cute egg things in my life, I can absolutely see why.
I grew up in the decade of Tamagotchi. I remember hatching a pixelated chicken on a small device shaped like an apple, and waking up at a precise time each morning to press a button in order to clean out its shit and force it to take a shower. I remember my collection of these digital critters growing exponentially, to the point where any semblance of fun gleaned from actually playing with them was eradicated, with my 10-year-old self transforming from a loving digi-pet owner into a merciless despot, resetting my devices each time they hatched a creature that didn’t look adorable enough. With the benefit of hindsight, I can now see that I was effectively indulging in Tamagotchi eugenics, and that an adult should have probably intervened at some point.
Look at this beautiful thing.
But my addiction to Tamagotchi is what has caused Hatchimals to pique my interest, with them essentially being real-life versions of the little pixel pets I had under my command back in the ’90s. Hatchimals start out as eggs, with their touch-sensitive shells allowing for interaction via tapping, while they also respond to lights and sounds. After around 30 minutes of continuous play, the Hatchimals eventually hatch, revealing the Furby-esque creature inside of them. They’re a perfect blend of two of the toys that forced us to neglect our actual, IRL pets two decades ago.
After the Hatchimals hatch they begin to transform from their baby phase, to toddler and then to kid, with each new stage of their growth cycle bringing with it new abilities and ways to communicate with them. The process of hatching takes from 20 – 25 minutes, with the creature inside pecking their way through their shell to finally reveal themselves. Two specials of Hatchimal are available to choose from – Pengulas and Draggles – though the color of these creatures will remain a surprise until they hatch. Buyers can also select the color of the egg.
Priced at around $60, I understand that as an adult man it would be fiscally irresponsible for me to purchase a Hatchimal. But dammit I just can’t stop thinking about how much better my life would be if I could talk to an artificially intelligent bird-thing that breaks its way out of a plastic egg. My two dogs look primitive by comparison; stupid dogs and their stupid sentience. I want a a robot pet that doesn’t need feeding and that doesn’t try to amputate the postman’s arm from his torso every time he pushes a letter through the letterbox.
The Hatchimals are available to purchase starting today. Watch them in action below:
