Just like the laws of gravity, the laws of human nature suggest that every man has taken a picture of his crank. It’s just one of those constants. On the flip side, every woman has received a dick pic. This presents a situation of competition. Sometimes it’s important to know what not to do rather than what to do. Dick pics are no exception. It is in this spirit of always striving to outdo the other guy that we present to you with 10 general rules.
1. No Selfies Below the Balls
Simply put, it’s a creepster angle. Your face should never be in the same frame as your penis and/or balls, as wisdom dictated by Thad Castle suggests. In addition, it’s a difficult maneuver that will give the impression you’re going for a Pulitzer instead of playing it cool.
On a side note, it’s often a terrible idea to send your face in a dick pic because you never know what kind of vindictive sociopath your flame might turn out to be. Although you should always know she will show her friends, you never know when a burnt bridge might result in a Facebook post. Without your face in the mix, you can feign ignorance and plead the Fifth.
2. Don’t Leave Too Much Empty Space
Fill the frame entirely. Leave no room. This will give the illusion that you’re packing meat, when in actuality, you’re not. The goal here is to make your dong look significant. By filling every pixel, you’re filling her heart. Remember that.
3. Don’t Settle
When you take the perfect one, you’ll know. Birds flutter down from the skies and your heart skips a beat because you can just feel it. It’s like seeing your first born for the first time, except more special. For this once-in-an-afternoon glimpse of perfection, you must not settle. It might take five pictures, it might take 50. The point is to always aim higher. Learn from your mistakes until you’ve captured The One.
4. Don’t Jump the Gun
Sometimes in the heat of the moment, you just want to send one. But first, you have to make sure she wants one. If you press send before you even know her last name, that will make her think you’re a maniac. One way to know she’s ready is to hear it from her firsthand, without solicitation. This is the safest bet. A surprise dick pic from a strange man is perhaps the worst of all turnoffs, but a surprise dick pic from a lover is, well, a gesture of trust and affection. We suggest using Snapchat before you meet her parents. Refrain from using the Bob Marley filter.
5. Don’t Use a Chiquita Mini Banana to Trick Her
Women are intuitive creatures. They are well-aware of Chiquita mini bananas, for they’ve probably been the recipient of a beguiling before. Even the ones who may be functionally illiterate or not so keen on their Caribbean fruit will catch the lie. On the same dick pic tip, don’t use a plantain either, unless you’re too huge and don’t want to scare her. (Plantains are larger than normal bananas.) Use a good old-fashioned banana if you’re douche enough to do such a thing.
6. Limp is a Limp Effort
There is nothing sadder than a droopy, lifeless, uninspired kielbasa. It doesn’t excite the female counterpart, nor is it exciting in porn. And like porn, you should always fluff a bit until you’ve reached ample mass. Achieve a semi if you want a semi-effective dick pic.
7. No Hair
Sadly, we’ve reached a point as a culture where it’s verboten to possess gnarled, animalistic bushes. It’s now a bad idea to have a penis like Weird Al’s head. Plus, the more hair, the smaller your hog will seem. That’s just a general rule. We’re not saying go full-on 10-year-old boy here. We’re saying trim the hair to an extent where it’s not a distraction. That’s approximately half a centimeter.
8. Don’t Do It in the Dark
This isn’t Chatroulette in the Ukraine. Don’t give the impression you’re living in a dreary dungeon somewhere in South Jersey. Open the blinds, let in some fresh air, and may the light shine through. Consult a cinematographer if you have to. Lighting can be the difference between a botched attempt and an artistic creation.
9. Don’t Save It on Your Phone
True story. And I’ll be blunt here at the risk of revealing unsavory aspects of my personal life. One time around 2011, my brother left his phone at my place. I was curious to see what kind of Tinder tail he was smashing, so I opened his phone and rifled through his pictures. Then I saw it. It brought me back to babyhood in the bathtub. That’s the most positive thing I can say about it. Other than that, for the rest of the day, I wandered through a horrific reverie.
The moral of the story is don’t save a dick pic on your phone. You can always take another (and better) one. Someone will eventually get their hands on your mobile device and let curiosity get the best of them, just like I did. And they will never look you in the eyes again.
10. When in Doubt, Don’t
Confidence is key. Confidence in sexting, just like the bedroom, can be the difference between a positive and negative outcome. If you’re doubting your skills, take the safe route and grab a model’s mule off Google. One that looks like yours though; don’t be a liar. The act of taking a dick pic should never be taken lightly. Treat it like a wedding photo, with stern appreciation for its seriousness. Because in the end, there is no subject more serious than a dick pic. Look at Anthony Weiner.
