Is it just me, or have porn companies been dropping the ball in terms of creativity? It seems like every scenario you click on is recycled from the same source material. You know where I’m going with this: the pizza delivery guy with “extra sausage,” the random woman on the street who needs a ride, has no money, and gets f*cked in a van instead and all that mess.
While recent movie releases are no different (hey there, “Ghostbusters!”), porn is a precious property for men, and virtual reality porn (porn’s latest innovation) is unaffordable to the masses. I don’t know, I guess I just don’t want our children growing up with the same stale ideas we have. You know? They deserve better.
This is why I’ve compiled the following porn scenarios. New, bold ideas that aren’t shitty parodies borrowed from even shittier movies or media for the younger, millennial generation. Ideas they can get behind and relate to (for the most part). Here are 10 scenarios below.
1. Pokémon Go-ers Catch STI’s
This one is easy and very budget-friendly for amateur filmmakers breaking into the industry. Now let me set the scene: Two aimless twenty-somethings are out for a stroll through a woodsy park with their eyes glued to their phones hunting the same obnoxiously chipper Pikachu.
During their relentless pursuit, the two unknowingly bump into each other. Since millennials often live their lives online and are not used to physical contact, both are evidently aroused from the encounter, see that they’re alone in the intimate woodsy setting, catch Pikachu and then have anonymous, unprotected sex. Boom!
2. The Tinder Bot Is No Bot At All
A young man is taking a shit while browsing through Tinder at work. He comes across an unexpectedly sexy woman not even a mile away, who he proceeds to swipe right and match with.
Not long after, this low-level executive receives a message from said female to find out she’s hungry for his junk. Starving, even. He dismisses this profile as a bot and continues to shit.
Not taking no for an answer, the profile then provides evidence that she is indeed the real deal, and is actually shitting in the female restroom of the same building, because everybody on Tinder is pooping; this is fact. The two finish, wipe, close the app, and have raucous sex in his boss’s office after-hours.
3. Dude Sends Dick Pic; Woman Actually Likes It
Instead of saying hello, Ted prefers to open dialogue with strangers on dating sites with a graphic dick pic, followed by an obnoxious “You like?” (with emojis). The response he receives is usually the same, and it’s completely ineffective.
Except this time, he’s not being legally or violently threatened by the female. Instead, the image is countered with a compliment and an address. Ted drives to said address and the fun begins. Or at least it’s supposed to.
When Ted drops by, the female recipient discovers that the dick pic he sent was a lie and the size of his member was about half of what was pictured. It is eventually discovered that the picture wasn’t of his penis at all, but that of Orlando Bloom’s. More specifically, a cropped image of his penis while paddleboarding naked with Katy Perry. For porn purposes, the two have sex anyway.
4. Guy Goes On Grindr, Has Sex With A Man, Maintains That He’s Straight
High school quarterback downloads Grindr knowing full-well it’s a hookup app for gay men. He contacts somebody, has anonymous sex with him and maintains that he’s still straight despite having enjoyed this consensual sex tryst, as well as having Grindr on his smartphone, which he insists he downloaded by mistake.
6. The F*ckable Catfish
Man finally meets the woman who has been catfishing him for two years. Instead of calling MTV, he decides to take matters into his own hands and do the same elementary, surface-level investigating the show does. Eventually, the man approaches the real person he’s been talking to for years. And guess what, it’s not her. He’s pissed, but decides she’s still hot enough to f*ck. So they f*ck.
7. Guy Gets Supremely Drunk; Penis Still Works
Okay, so this one isn’t just relatable to millennials, but for all men. It’s nothing short of a miracle when this happens. Like, you drink way more than expected, and retire the thought that you’ll be having sex that night because your penis will have the general feel and texture of chewed gum. But guess what, as if by magic, you’re rock hard and ready to penetrate. Finishing is another thing, but hell, at least you’re hard!
8. Gamers Have Gamer Sex
A misogynistic gamer is pwning n00bs on “Call Of Duty,” as is per usual on his Saturday nights. One evening, however, he’s no longer the lead scorer on his team and discovers — after mouthing off multiple 12-year-olds who insist on shouting racist obscenities — that said lead-scoring gamer is female. Having found a reciprocal adoration for each other due to their superior talent, the two enter a private channel to chat and have phone sex while their characters try to simulate sex by kneeling in front of the other on screen.
9. Crash And Smash
While driving and peering down at their cell phones (one catching a Pokémon, the other taking a selfie for Snapchat) two vehicles collide and the police are called. Since the police always take too long to arrive at the scene, the two begin chatting and eventually recognize each other from Tinder. While arguing about who’s fault it is, the two get incredibly turned on and begin to have angry sex on the side of the road as pedestrians also take selfies and catch Pokémon. It’s deep, you know? Meta.
10. Wrong Snapchat ID Turns Out Right
Sean adds Rebecca to Snapchat, believing she’s the girl he met at a party the evening prior. As such, he sends a few flirty pictures to get the conversational ball rolling. Sean later receives a few pictures back to discover this is not the girl he met, but instead a busty blonde who likes sending nudes of herself in the shower. He masturbates to a few of her pictures and videos, climaxes, gets bored and deletes her. That’s it.
