It’s a glorious sunny morning, and you and three of your buddies have all taken the day off to enjoy a round of golf. It’s been a really long time since your last golf outing, so you’re all super excited for a fun-filled day of great shots, ice cold beers and a lot of laughs. Carts are rented, clubs are loaded up and the coolers are packed with enough drinks for 18 holes and then some. Your tee time is now, so let’s begin….
Hole 1
Your friend who always parties way too hard has already cracked his third beer somehow. He tees off first and shanks it into the woods. That ball’s gone forever. Your buddy who takes golf way too seriously hits a decent shot to the right of the fairway but already seems pissed off. Your friend who has only golfed twice in his life before swings and misses a few times before hitting a ground ball shot about 50 yards. You hook one pretty badly into the rough. You’ll all be taking at least double bogeys on this one, except for your serious friend. He pars it and takes a sip of his Gatorade, reminding you that he doesn’t drink until the back nine.
Hole 2
You all manage to hit decent tee shots and start to think that this golfing thing isn’t so difficult after all. Then you all chip like shit and three-putt. Even your serious, competitive friend double bogeys. Party animal friend is about to reach in the cooler for his sixth beer.
Hole 3
It’s the first par 3 hole of the course, and nobody notices that your pal who never golfs is using his driver until it’s too late. He actually smashes it and the ball sails way over the green, almost killing a lady on the next hole. Now those people are angry. You apologize profusely for your idiot friend, while your drunk friend shouts sarcastic comments from the golf cart. You actually par this hole, though, much to the chagrin of your serious friend who bogeyed.
Hole 4
Oh boy, serious friend just let the expletives fly after slicing his drive. Many young kids were within earshot. You all quickly hit your drives and speed off in the carts. After putting in, you record everyone’s score and are pretty sure that your serious friend shaved off a stroke, but don’t want to say anything to piss him off even more.
Hole 5
Your party animal friend is officially drunk. He wanders away to go find a toilet and says he’ll just meet you at the next hole. Your inexperienced golfer buddy is hitting the ball about 20 yards at a time, which is frustrating your serious golfer buddy. You are quietly playing some of the best golf of your life for the past three holes.
Hole 6
The golf course is now pretty backed up, so you are waiting at the tee box for the group ahead of you to go. This is bad news because now your drunk friend is trying to be funny, but is just being loud while people are teeing off. The dirty looks from fellow golfers are clearly in your group’s direction.
Hole 7
The morning coolness has now passed and it’s hot as hell and humid. The beers are not staying cold as long, which sucks for everyone except the party animal, who just finished his tenth. Your pal who never golfs puts on some sunscreen, which causes him to lose grip of his club when he swings and it goes flying. Everyone starts laughing except the foursome behind you, who looks like they want to kill all of you.
Hole 8
Your serious golfer friend has not said a word in 20 minutes, which you realize is because you are currently beating him by two strokes. Now that you are aware of that, you drive one right into the water.
Hole 9
After taking two penalty strokes on the last hole at the insistence of your competitive buddy, you are now tied with him and a little pissed off yourself. Time to start drinking more heavily!
Hole 10
Three of you just housed some hot dogs from the clubhouse before starting the back nine. Serious friend opted for a banana and a PowerBar instead. However, he did crack his first beer as promised. Your drunk pal just tried to do the Happy Gilmore swing off the tee and missed completely and fell down. He also may have pissed himself. You are getting pretty drunk, as well. Inexperienced guy is currently 30 over par and says he’s gonna sit the next few holes out.
Hole 11
After hitting two straight shots into the water, your drunk pal attempts to throw the ball over the pond instead, but that doesn’t make it either. He yells “Fuck this sport!” and heads back to the cart to continue drinking (a small bottle of whiskey now somehow). You miss an easy putt and it takes every ounce of energy to not yell some profanity, as well.
Hole 12
Drunk buddy and inexperienced buddy (who is also very drunk) drive their cart off path to go check out a foursome of lady golfers. They are pretending to look for a missing ball but it is painfully obvious.
Holes 13 through 17
Nobody remembers playing these holes except for your serious competitive friend because you’re all too drunk. He will tell you later on that he got a few birdies, but nobody will be able to verify that.
Hole 18
All four of you decide to get your shit together for the final hole, a beautiful par 3 that leads back to the clubhouse. Your inexperienced friend pulls out his driver again, but you catch it this time and hand him a 9-iron. He hits it perfectly and it stops a foot away from being a hole-in-one. It’s the shot of the day. Everyone cheers and is happy to be playing this wonderful game called golf…except one person…your friend who takes it all way too seriously.
