Cell phones have changed our lives. Mostly for the better, I guess. But they’ve also helped turn the majority of us into insufferable dickheads. And while texting and scrolling through Instagram have become the most obvious ways to let everyone around you know that you care more about your phone than your family and friends, the ill-timed phone call is still the standard bearer for douchey phone behavior. Here’s a guide to the most obnoxious times you can choose to hold a phone conversation.
When you’re checking out at the supermarket
The person on the phone thinks you’re talking to them. The person checking you out thinks you’re talking to them. And everyone behind you in line thinks you should burn in hell forever. For the love of all things holy just hang up the phone and check out. What Cindy said at dinner last night is not more important than everyone stuck in line behind you as you fumble for your credit card.
While you’re ordering at dinner
Taking a call at dinner is just a generally horrible thing to do, but trying to hold a conversation while ordering is reserved for a special kind of human garbage. It’s not just disrespectful to the friends you are out with, it’s spitting in the face of the overworked and underpaid waiter. (Who, thanks to your poorly timed phone conversation is probably now spitting in your food.)
While you’re going to the bathroom
Whoever you are talking to knows. There’s a very distinct echo in any bathroom. And if it’s an office bathroom, now everyone else in there will forever be able to match your distinct bathroom noises and smells with your distinctly boring phone conversation topics. (Definite grounds for firing, in my opinion.)
During a bus or train ride
We’re all crammed together like sardines. No one is happy to be there. That means we’re all close enough to not just hear every word you say, but also every word out of your earpiece. The rest of us forced to take public transportation every morning really just want to spend these last few calming moments before work in peace and quiet, not listening to you say, “Can you hear me now? Sorry, just went under a bridge…” every three minutes.
During a car trip
The only thing worse than driving and talking on the phone is being a passenger and talking on the phone. Things really get distracting and annoying when you start relaying everything back and forth between the driver and the person on the other end of the line until you miss your exit and get stuck in traffic trying to loop back around to your destination. Now you’re lost and angry and your friend on the other line just hung up, leaving the two of you in the car to bicker about the recalculating GPS.
While you are taking care of a kid
The parent never wants to get off the phone in this situation. They would way rather pretend nothing is wrong and keep talking to another adult than explain to a three-year-old why rubbing feces on the couch is not cool. And now you’re stuck dealing with the ear-piercing screams cutting through the receiver while the parent tries to ignore it and act like everything is totally normal even though one of your ears just started bleeding.
During a live sporting event
Lord knows how much you paid to get this exclusive access. Now you’re giving play-by-play as everyone around you listens to you describe exactly what they are currently experiencing also. Bonus asshole points to the person who makes multiple calls to give the same update to just about everyone in their contacts list.
Any time ever
Seriously, it’s 2016. Why are you talking on the phone? Just text or email or Snapchat some nudes. I promise you everyone you call hates you for calling and not just using GIFs and emojis like a normal person.
