Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
“always, always, always the bridesmaid….” pic.twitter.com/5iZQclftF3
— debbie carrie (@CarriePotter_) July 3, 2015
are any babies actually named chad from birth or do they become chads
— dream ghoul (@Jade_VK) July 12, 2015
The problem with swamp boat chases is your enemies look sexy as hell back there with the giant fan blowing their hair around.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) June 30, 2015
Hey baby, I ran us both a gender specific laser bath “Thanks baby” pic.twitter.com/igxzGeK90B
— Turbo Jimmy (@Turbo_Jimmy) July 9, 2015
We all just go about our lives, looking each other in the face, pretending like the 1st 2 rounds of Family Feud actually mean something.
— Ja’Crispy Vulcano (@SalVulcano) July 12, 2015
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?” “No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…” *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*
— ___ __ (@fro_vo) July 19, 2014
[looks in the mirror] And who is this attractive creature? [takes a picture] Oh cool, a wildebeest.
— molls (@MollySneed) June 4, 2015
COP: Sir, have you been drinking? ME: Only from the deep languid pools that are your eyes COP: That’s beautiful *he tases me*
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) July 11, 2015
Fun Game: google psychological disorders and diagnose people who annoy you at the BBQ.
— ali waller (@imaliwaller) July 4, 2015
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
— viney (@vineyille) January 4, 2015
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
— moody monday (@mdob11) July 8, 2015
[on deathbed] “Tell my Wif… *cough*” Yes? Tell her what? “Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best” [dies]
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 5, 2015
It’s nice to meet you, I’m really excited to probably be very quiet by you as you meet other people
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 4, 2015
[looks down at final exam] Only question: DO U LIKE ME? YES or NO [looks up at teacher] [he looks away/pretends he’s looking at wall]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) July 9, 2015
BOSS: I’ve called you here because I suspect one of you… IS AN OWL ME: Who? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) July 12, 2015
*hostage situation* Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE
— Turbo Jimmy (@Turbo_Jimmy) September 15, 2014
[Jesus at Last Supper] [holds up bread] This is my body [holds up wine] This is my blood [holds up Instagram pic] This was my breakfast
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 12, 2015
Please stop calling us your “squad” Linda this is book club
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) June 23, 2015
Why aren’t there any birds in my birdbath is it because I’m in the birdbath
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) June 30, 2015
hey Chris Pratt idk if anyone told u but ur not allowed to be the chubby funny guy AND the ripped good looking guy u selfish sonuvabitch
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) July 9, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
