Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
*catches son swearing through sign language* “We don’t use that language in this house” *hands him hand sanitizer* “You know what to do”
– Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) January 26, 2015
I want to stare at myself while you talk. Let’s FaceTime.
– moody monday (@mdob11) January 26, 2015
[walks up to coworker’s desk] I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
– Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) January 19, 2015
One of my worst fears is unknowingly falling in love with someone who walks up escalators
– Zachary Flynn (@zacharyflynn) January 23, 2015
“This stopwatch is bigger than this quarter. Murder solved.” pic.twitter.com/vgcPGEI5Fj
– lil¯\_(ツ)_/¯grippy (@CountGripsnatch) August 19, 2014
check if your cocaine is good, mix in vinegar. If it makes a volcano, its baking soda. If not, your drugs is ruined. Drugs are always bad.
– Joses (@JosesLovesYou) January 24, 2015
[interview for CIA] Your résumé says you’re a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or- *I’ve already thrown a wombat at his face*
– ibid (@ibid78) January 22, 2015
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
– Ristolable (@Ristolable) January 25, 2015
[announcement over PA at work] “FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM” *I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
– Prof Hinkley (@Prof_Hinkley) January 23, 2015
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray? [OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
– Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 25, 2015
“and when I move my thumb it looks like he’s talking” pic.twitter.com/RrpVMtYL2i
– dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 23, 2015
Boss: Are you high? [Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
– GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) January 23, 2015
doctor: do you smoke at all? me: no but i vape doctor: oh okay *doctor writes “fuckin loser” on clipboard*
– Wahlid Mohammad (@WahlidM) January 22, 2015
[in hell] Me: *sneeze* The devil: bless you Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool the devil: DAMN YOU Me, floating back to hell: dang
– refriend beans (@pharmasean) January 22, 2015
DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being. GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being
– patrick (@tastefactory) January 23, 2015
How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
– Doober Pooberton (@daneZie) January 17, 2014
[Frantically plunging the toilet at a girl’s house] “You ok in there?” Fine “Are you sure? What’s that noise?” *climbing out the window* IDK
– Donnie (@Donnie_Fairburn) December 23, 2014
On a cool date. pic.twitter.com/w0Thev0HhP
– CANDACE CARRIZALES (@ItsCANDASS) January 25, 2015
– luke (@internetluke) January 23, 2015
I’m not sure what “eating ice cream too sensually” is supposed to mean, but i’ll try to tone it down. I didn’t know church had so many rules
– Funkmaster Flexeril (@RxitWounds) January 25, 2015
