Giving a eulogy comes with a tremendous amount of pressure because you’re basically in charge of summing up a friend or family member’s entire life in a matter of minutes. How do you define a lifetime with just a few sentences? It can be difficult, but to help you out, here are 20 of the worst things you could say during a eulogy. The first step in finding what to say is to eliminate what not to say, right?
1. “Not a lot of people knew this about Greg, but he stole a lot. Like, all the time. He probably stole from you, actually.”
2. “I remember this one time when Greg caught me on the Nanny Cam, making love to his wife …”
3. “Greg, or as we liked to call him around the office, ‘that human piece of garbage we pray will die’ …”
4. “Sure, in the eyes of the law, Greg was considered a traitor to his country, but he was one heck of a bowler …”
5. “Greg may not have been allowed within 500 feet of a school, but he was definitely allowed within 500 feet of our hearts …”
6. “Greg sure did love whores …”
7. “My first memory of Greg was when he stabbed a Juggalo at a Papa Roach concert in 2005 …”
8. “Greg would spend hours in the bathroom and he always had blood on his hands when he came out. We didn’t know what he was doing, but we still loved him.”
9. “No one did a better Borat impression than Greg. That was the most important part of his life.”
10. “I’m going to miss Greg, but now that he’s gone there’s no other witnesses to what happened last July in the swamp, and for that I’m grateful.”
11. “If there’s a silver lining to Greg’s passing, it’s that his smoking hot wife is now single. What’s up, Samantha?”
12. “If Greg was here today he’d say, ‘Who invited all these black guys?’ Greg was so racist.”
13. “Eh, it happens.”
14. “Steve was my best friend. I mean Greg. Greg was my best friend. Well, maybe not best friend, but we hung out a couple times.”
15. “How do you sum up Greg in one word? Easy: fat.”
16. “Can I unfollow him on Twitter now or do I need to wait a few days?”
17. “Let’s remember all the important things Greg did. Like when he borrowed my lawnmower and never gave it back. Can I come over and pick that up today? Thanks.”
18. “How long do I need to speak because I really don’t have that much to say at all?”
19. “If there’s one thing Greg had no interest in whatsoever, it was his family.”
20. “At least now he’s in a place where the herpes don’t matter anymore. Rest in peace, Greg.”
