Like every other parent in the world, I have now watched Disney’s animated kid crack “Frozen” for the fifth time today. I don’t know what it is about this movie that causes kids to obsess. Maybe this is payback for all the times we yelled at our friends to watch “Breaking Bad.” I don’t know. What I do know is that after watching “Frozen” yet again, I’ve realized there are some truly disturbing characters and story lines that no one seems to mind. Things you might not notice on a single viewing, but when you’ve pretty much been forced to watch it like the picture below so many times, you start to find things to be a little off.
Elsa and Anna’s Parents
Let’s talk about these problem-solvers for a minute. The movie starts out with Elsa and Anna playing “let’s manifest snow and ice” in a giant room, when something goes terribly wrong. Elsa accidentally hits Anna with ice, nearly killing her. The parents, who are clearly terrible at supervision, do what anyone would do in that situation and take Anna to a bunch of trolls that know how to heal internal frostbite.
In order to keep an incident like this from happening again, these parents of the year do the only sensible thing and lock each kid in isolation from each other for a decade! The movie does this cute little time-lapse song where Anna is dancing outside Elsa’s door asking if she wants to build a snowman. It’s basically “The Man in the Iron Mask” with adorable children. How is this your solution? There is never any social interaction for the kids so they basically locked them away like the Elephant Man.
You can’t really blame Anna for getting engaged to the first guy she meets because she’s so desperate to get some companionship in her fortress of solitude, I’m surprised she didn’t “Cast Away” it and draw a face on a volleyball.
Kristoff
So, this guy is definitely insane. He was apparently raised by a reindeer named Sven and at some point used Sven as the voice of his schizophrenia. Throughout the movie he carries on full “conversations” with Sven where they argue and debate, but it’s all Kristoff just talking in a different voice.
Imagine if you were walking down the street and saw a guy talking to his dog saying, “Hey, should we help that girl that’s carrying all those groceries?” Then he changes his voice to one that sounds like Uncle Joey from “Full House” doing a bad impression and says, “Hmm, it would be a nice gesture, wouldn’t it?” This conversation would go on for several minutes, but by that point you’ve already got mace in hand and 911 dialed on your phone just in case this psychopath lunges towards you.
Anna’s Love Life
Anna gets engaged to the first guy she meets because he’s hot and, well, that’s it. Later, she learns that true love takes time. That’s why she dumps him and falls in love with the SECOND guy she meets, Kristoff, who she clearly saw eat a carrot out of an animal’s mouth. What a story for the grandchildren! I know they don’t technically get together, but come on.
Olaf
Dude, what is going on with Olaf? He magically appeared somehow in the woods and may have a learning disability, but clearly wants to get up on Anna. He’s always trying to get rid of Kristoff and when he finally gets Anna alone starts to make his move. She’s sitting by the fire and he comes up and starts to melt. She lets him know he’s melting and he tells her that some people are worth melting for.
Anna immediately shuts his game down because HE … IS … A … SNOWMAN. Keep that carrot in your pants, bro. I hope Disney makes a prequel to “Frozen” that just focuses on creepy Olaf wandering around in the woods and learning how to communicate like Jodie Foster in “Nell.”
Anna’s Frozen Heart
So, let me get this straight: When Anna was a kid and got hit by Elsa’s ice slinger, the only solution from the trolls was to isolate the girls forever. When Anna gets hit with ice as an adult, the trolls let her know the only way to keep her from dying is from a kiss?
Come on, trolls. Just admit this is all your elaborate plan to make out with her. You kept her single all these years by having her parents isolate her and now, as an adult, the only cure is smooching. Can you imagine if you went to the doctor and he prescribed you open mouth kisses for your headache? WebMD wouldn’t even recommend something that ridiculous.
Hans
This idiot comes in with the plan of seducing the queen with his abs. The most ridiculous part of his whole story is that he decides to lie and tell everyone that Anna is dead, but not before she married him, thus leaving him in charge. EVERYONE BELIEVES IT! What? No one says, “Hmm, let’s go see the body. We should probably see the body of this important political figure before we just write her off as dead. Don’t you think?”
Plus, no one asks for any marriage proof? Obama has been asked for his birth certificate for years, but this stranger comes in and says he married her and everyone just accepts it. I don’t know if I hate this guy or admire him for taking advantage of the stupidity of everyone around him.
I could go on and on about Hans, but it appears my kid is asking to watch “Frozen.” AGAIN. So I’m going to draw a warm bath and submerge myself in it until he’s 15. So long!
