There are few things in life better than seeing one of your favorite bands in concert. The problem is, not everyone in attendance is there for the magic. Unfortunately, every concert is full of trolls and cretins. Perhaps you’re tired of going to simply enjoy a concert and you’d like to become one of those annoying jerks. Here are ten steps to achieving your goal.
Step 1: Record the entire thing on your iPhone.
You’re going to want to relive this moment over and over, so keep that iPhone recording the entire time. Who cares if you could watch the entire concert professionally filmed on YouTube? Hold your phone up as high as possible so those suckers behind you can’t see a thing unless they watch it through your screen.
Step 2: Throw blunt objects into the crowd.
Nothing says, “Wow, what a great show!” like throwing an object into a group of concertgoers. It is such a joy to possibly injure a stranger because you’re really pumped Alan Jackson is doing one of his deep cuts. Honestly, it’s their fault for getting a closer spot than you. You’re the real victim here.
Step 3: Post to social media continuously.
Remember how I said to never stop recording the concert? There is an exception. Not only do you need to keep taking unnecessary and repetitive pictures, you also need to constantly be posting them on social media. Double down on it and check how many Likes your pictures have gotten every 30-45 seconds. This is best when the lights are down and it’s an intimate moment.
Step 4: Drink waaaaaay too much.
It’s not like you can have beer whenever you want at any given time, so make sure you drink all the alcohol a human being could possibly consume. You should aim to be completely plastered before the opening act is done. That way you can either get kicked out for fighting before the headliner gets up, or miss most of the show because you’re puking in the bathroom.
Step 5: Dry hump like a Terrier.
What better time to start dry humping the woman you love than in the middle of a Staind concert? People are going to get mad because you’re “blocking their view” or “being a huge distraction,” but they’re just jealous of true love. You keep dry humping away, my friend. Dry hump so hard that the denim of your jeans literally bursts into flames.
Step 6: Sit in someone else’s seat.
If it’s a crowded or sold out show, be sure to sit in a seat that isn’t yours. I mean what are the odds that the person who bought those seats will actually want to sit in them? If they do come by, make a big deal out of it and just slide to the next set of seats and wait for the next people to yell at you. What a bunch of losers.
Step 7: Hit on every girl there.
What a better opportunity to be creepy to girls than during a concert when they’re focused on the music and have no interest in meeting someone new? The more she ignores you and keeps singing along to Paramore, the more obvious it is that she wants you to tell her about yourself and try to get her number.
Step 8: Have a conversation that is somehow louder than the music.
Sure, people are there to hear songs, but why shouldn’t you be allowed to talk to your friends at an insanely loud volume? Someone in your group definitely had a recent breakup. What better time to loudly discuss it than during the acoustic part of the show?
Step 9: Get up on someone’s shoulders.
If you’re not on someone’s shoulders, you’re wasting your time. Get up there and make a complete idiot of yourself. Once security sees you and asks you to get down, ignore them. What do they know? They’re wearing a plastic jacket for crying out loud.
Step 10: Pay no attention to your surroundings.
Try to be generally inconsiderate. If it’s a family show and the people in front of you have kids, swear constantly. Not PG-13 swearing, either. I’m talking “The Departed” Director’s Cut level of swearing. Maybe even spill a few drinks on them. That’ll teach kids to enjoy music!
