There was a brief moment where things were looking pretty bleak for the Miami Heat. After Lebron left, it looked like Chris Bosh and possibly Dwyane Wade would be jumping ship as well. No one was more concerned about this than the guy that’s in charge of coming up with the special promotional nights throughout the season. Everyone wants to be there for Lebron T-shirt Night or Bosh Bobblehead Weekend, but what do you do when your centerpiece is Norris Cole? Here is a look at 12 different promotions Miami had planned for the 2015 season if that had been the case.
1. “Pat Riley Environmental Oil Change” Night
Instead of changing your car’s oil yourself or having it done at Jiffy Lube, where the oil could damage the environment, come on down to the Heat vs. Celtics, where a team of engine experts will change your oil and recycle the old sludge and oil by pouring it directly onto Pat Riley’s scalp. It’s a win for everyone!
2. “Erik Spoelstra Facial Mold Mask” Night
We don’t know why, but Erik Spoelstra bought a bunch of face-mold kits and made thousands of imprints of his weird little face. There’s really nowhere to store them, so the first 1500 fans can have one if they’ll take it. Actually, they can have as many as they want just as long as they’re all gone by the end of the night.
3. “Only Shabazz Napier Shows Up” Night
Sure, it may seem like an excuse to give everyone else the night off, but Pat Riley and the organization assure you that’s not the case. This is a night to celebrate a true class act in Shabazz Napier and definitely not because no one else wanted to show up.
4. DJ Rony Seikaly Night
No joke, former Miami Heat center Rony Seikaly is now a DJ. There’s no way that could be a terrible idea, right? So for one game in December, fans will be treated to something better than a basketball game. That’s right, Rony Seikaly will teach you the joys of being a DJ. He’ll show you how to press play on iTunes, how to click next when a song is about to be over, and, most importantly, how to act like a complete douche while doing the easiest job in the world.
5. “Josh McRoberts Covers the Jason Mraz Discography CD” Night
I don’t know Josh McRoberts or what his interests are off the court, but just by looking at the guy, you can tell he owns several acoustic guitars and is the first one to show you all the cords to “The Remedy” or any other smash hit from Mr. A-Z. Heat fans will get his entire acoustic collection for free!
6. “Harold Miner Caricature” Night
Everyone remembers Harold Miner in Miami! Nicknamed “Baby Jordan” after winning the slam dunk contest, everyone knew he was destined for stardom. Well, that didn’t work out and he was desperate for work, so they asked him if he could do caricatures. He said no but they figured it would still be nice to give him the work anyway. Stop by the welcome center to have your picture sketched by Harold himself! He can only draw a bear, so husky men are highly encouraged to stop by.
7. “Toney Douglas Unnecessary Letter Giveaway” Night
This is a night that would have had the fans talking. Each person in attendance would receive a raffle ticket. At halftime, a name would be drawn and that person would receive the unnecessary E from Toney’s first name! You can do with it as you please, plus a judge will be there to make your name change legal before the night’s over. Imagine if your name was Lindsay and you won the raffle. Why now your name could be Lindseay, or Lindsaye, or Leindsay, or whatever you want. Sorry, no refunds or exchanges.
8. “Greg Oden Cartilage” Night
This one isn’t as much fun as it is sad and unfortunate. The first 10,000 fans to arrive to the arena will receive a piece of cartilage from Greg Oden’s knee. The remaining fans will be told they’re receiving cartilage, but it’ll actually be stale popcorn chicken. Still a treat!
9. “Bob McAdoo Turtleneck” Night
It’s getting a little desperate at this point. There was a big sale on turtlenecks at a JC Penny outlet, so the organization bought them up and stitched assistant coach Bob McAdoo’s signature onto the shoulder of each turtleneck. How jealous will all of your friends be when they see your amazing souvenir? Season ticket holders get matching slacks!
10. “Erik Spoelstra Facial Mold Mask” Night 2
Apparently the organization was anticipating so few of Erik’s facial-mold masks being taken by fans, they planned to have another giveaway night unannounced. You actually won’t even realize what night it is until you get home and notice they’ve been placed in the trunk of your car. Enjoy!
11. Justin Hamilton Will Drive You Home From The Game Night
It may take a while, but the Miami center was going to drive each fan in attendance home in his 2006 Honda Accord. He’ll miss the next two weeks of games, but he won’t rest until everyone has been delivered to their doorsteps.
12. “Remember When Lebron Played Here?” Night
The first week of January will see a very special night in the future of Miami Heat basketball. Instead of playing the Timberwolves in a game that not even the players want to see, we’ll all just sit in the arena and remember what it was like when Lebron James played for the team. You can share stories with the person next to you or just keep them to yourself. Remember all those big shots he hit during his four years in Miami? We’ll think about them all together!
