Whether it’s a regular everyday hipster or the elusive spotted hipster sporting matching polka dot shirts and socks, you can be sure they’re immersing themselves deeply in the fabric of our everyday lives. In tribute to ter
rible Matthew McConaughey rom-coms and our love of numbered lists, here’s a quick lesson on how to lose a hipster in 20 ways.
1. Take something that wasn’t cool, then deemed cool by hipsters (thereby eventually making it cool for everyone), and make it uncool again – like tucking your shirt into some baggy Wrangler jeans, still folding the cuffs at the bottom and trading your fedora for a sweet cowboy hat.
2. Start listening to the radio more, mostly rap. Not indie rap, but someone like Ludacris.
3. Leave a progressively larger trail of first-edition hardback books of authors you’ve never heard of (or Allen Ginsburg’s poetry) away from your home towards the nearest non-Starbucks organic coffee shop.
4. Delete Instagram, buy a disposable camera and trade your iPhone for grocery money (to only use at Kroger/Ralphs).
5. Wear contact lenses instead of huge, awkward, thick-framed glasses. If you want to keep wearing glasses, though, just add some prescription lenses to them.
6. Ban hand-rolled and electronic cigarettes from your home, but welcome chewing tobacco and set out spittoons for everyone’s enjoyment.
7. Clap and cheer loudly at concerts and book readings, showing your genuine appreciation for the arts whenever you have the chance. Don’t be shy.
8. Collect as many rare vinyl records, vintage typewriters, used books and pairs of thrifty dress shoes as you can, then torch them at the next bonfire catered by people who love the holidays.
9. Swap out your perfectly twirled, waxed mustache with a good clean, responsible shave.
10. Get an adult haircut and post pictures of it on Tumblr, showing people how much you like it.
11. Give a hipster’s French bulldog to a nice shelter and sell their mandolin to a pawn shop. Then trade all their flannel shirts for one nice three-piece suit that’s two sizes too big.
12. Talk about how much you love the government, fringe benefits and the impressive 401K at your full-time job during all dinner conversations.
13. Listen to Coldplay. And Dave Matthews Band. Trash Grizzly Bear, Neutral Milk Hotel and The Field.
14. Buy your clothes anywhere except Urban Outfitters, then wash them using fabric softener.
15. Trade your single speed road bike for a mountain bike with squeaky brakes and a silly horn.
16. Support franchises and run those small-time local businesses and nonprofits out of town.
17. Date girls who only eat meat and gluten.
18. Drink corporate coffee and avoid almond milk at all costs, then replace your hipster friend’s pornographic coffee table photo books with gossip magazines.
19. Throw parties and refuse the bringing of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
20. Love “Portlandia.” They hate that shit.
