So far the new year has brought much promise. An adult man suffocated his stepfather via an atomic wedgie, more than 50 people were badly burned by throwing boiling water during the polar vortex, and a drunk man crashed his car and masturbated in public. Thank goodness we have hot new gear for the rest of the y
ear to cater to the lifestyles of idiot mankind. Most of these are foolproof, but there will always been a few to slip through the cracks. Scroll down for nine items that we are most excited about for 2014.
Apple iWatch
Wearable tech is the new trend as of 2013, and everybody is waiting to see what Apple has planned now that they have updated all their gadgets with new lines of equipment. Not suspecting anything until a late 2014 iPhone announcement, Apple might be free to drop the iWatch.
The Bluetooth “smartwatch” will probably do more than just tell time. It’ll likely control your every device, notify and remind you of your digital interactions – such as emails, missed calls, texts – and with any luck, drive your car and jerk you off before bed. But most will agree anything short of teleportation will make this effort a letdown.
Panasonic 4K POV A100 Camcorder
GoPro found its competition in 2014 with the affordable handycam previewed by Panasonic at CES 2014. The camera fits around the ear at eye level for a more exact point-of-view capture. Featuring Wifi-capability, users can quickly record and upload to social media through their connected Wifi phone or tablet. The best part, though: It captures images in 4K quality, which is going to be the big thing in the near future.
Google Glass
Probably one of the most exciting innovations in a long time, Google Glass is the wearable technology that could revolutionize how quickly and hands-free we can access information. From firefighters receiving blue pr
ints to cyclists keeping their speed and time to drivers and joggers seeing city maps practically through their eyeballs, Google has created glassware with Bluetooth capability to allow the user to receive information into the frames of their eyeglasses — hands-free.
The glasses are still in the exploratory phase, testing with different sectors of people, but rumor has it the glasses will be announced in 2014 since they didn’t come when expected at the end of 2013. They might cost a pretty penny at first, but Microsoft and Apple are rumored to be working on equivalents that could drive the price down quickly.
Canon Photo Printer PIXMA iP8720
The days of buying film prints have gone bye-bye, as has ordering prints at all. What we see now is people buying expensive equipment to take multitudes of pictures that never see the light of day outside of social media. Enter Canon’s photo printer, the PIXMA iP8720. Built for pros but priced for amateurs, Canon is striving towards a turning point for photography enthusiasts, making it affordable (about $299) to quickly print, hang and share actual physical prints for your home and loved ones. The printer will allow the user to create albums, calendars, whatever you want to put together all from the convenience of home without the inconvenience of driving to pick up overpriced prints.
Google Nexus 5
Red/Yellow
Following the release of Apple’s iPhone 5C, it became abundantly clear that people – especially of the younger generations – love the idea of customizing their tech gadgets as much as they enjoy picking out the color of their notebooks, highlighters and glitter pens. Google is rumored to follow suit starting in February with the expected announcement of color-customized releases of their flagship product, the Nexus 5. “If we’re wrong, nothing happens. We can go to jail, peacefully, quietly. We’ll enjoy it.”
Samsung Curved 4K HDTV
Just as globes became round once we realized the Earth wasn’t flat, so are curved televisions a wave from the future. Though perhaps ahead of its time, Samsung wowed folks at CES 2014 with its innovation of rounded TVs, as its picture quality and “atmospheric intuition” seems more real to life than anything before in a TV set, plus it’s of the 4K qualities. One day we’ll likely have 3-D capable curved 4K screens – or better – but until then I guess we’ll just have to settle for this.
Tile
If you’ve been perusing Facebook in the last six months, you likely were trolled by the constant ads for Tile, the magnetic keychain GPS under pre-order since its early Kickstarter conception. Tile – priced as cheaply at $19.95 – is basically everybody’s dream, a simple why-have-we-not-had-this-until-now invention that makes losing your shit – keys, phone, computer, dog – a little bit harder to do. Hone is a similar device that beeps until you find it, beeping in patterns to let you know if you’re hotter or colder. Who doesn’t love a good game of hot-or-cold?
Lepow Moonstone Power Bank
Mankind will flourish throughout the universe, learning to metaphorically ride mythology dragons of alternate worlds like cosmonauts of parallel galaxy, but we still have to stop and charge our phones because these fucking batteries won’t quit dying once we’re out of Wi-Fi reach. Lepow, however, has a pretty rad invention, a moonstone shape that acts as a power bank for all our devices – phone, tablet, hard drive, etc. – so we don’t have to constantly look for an outlet. Just charge that moonstone before leaving the house and you won’t have to stop your dragon flying except to pee.
iPhone 6? iPhone Air?
This could be a huge year for Apple as they have the potential of taking over the market share and the famed Mac turns 30 years old, meaning it’ll probably be getting a real job as an office computer full-time. Just because Apple has everything updated doesn’t mean they’re taking a break. Now it’s just about time to get weird.
You’ll have to wait until the fall, but what you can hope for is 4K-capability quality, curved body with new curved touch screen capability. Historically speaking, we can expect the next iPhone to have a total redesign, likely to be titled the iPhone 6 or possibly the iPhone Air, if Apple decides to piggyback its cleverness off its last line of tablets in its iPad Air.
