I have been watching movies for 30 years now, but for some reason, last year was the first time I took notice of how awful January films are. Perhaps it was because there was a billboard for “Hansel & Gretel: Witc
h Hunters” located near my home that I saw every day, or maybe it was because I was excited to see “Gangster Squad” and it ended up being a pile of garbage. Either way, both of those January 2013-released films were duds (both critically and at the box office) and got me wondering just how bad it has been in the cinematic past.
Naturally, there are two ways to rate any movie: one is by box office success, and the other is by the amount of critical acclaim. Box office success is pretty easy to examine, so let’s take a look at the top 15 January movie openings in Hollywood history (via Box Office Mojo):
Right away, there are a few things to point out. First of all, “Lone Survivor” recently came close to surpassing “Cloverfield” as the biggest opening ever for January. This is misleading, though. You see, films like “Lone Survivor” are good enough to be considered for Academy Award nominations, so they
actually have a limited release in December in order to abide by the rules of the Oscars. Then, they have their wide release in January to avoid competition with all the other big November and December films. The same was true for “Gran Torino” and “Black Hawk Down.” So if you take those out, and omit “Star Wars” from the list because it was a 20th anniversary re-release (it was originally released in May 1977), you are basically left with a mix of crappy comedies and horror flicks (with “The Book of Eli” and “Taken” being somewhere in between). Granted, “Cloverfield” is a pretty good flick (77% on Rotten Tomatoes), but the rest of the true January releases are mediocre at best, with “The Devil Inside” even making our list of The 10 Worst Horror Movie Endings.
This is supposed to be about revenue, though, so let’s study it that way. Only two of the true January releases made more than $100 mil, and one of those was “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” Dear lord. Now, in contrast, take a look at the top 15 December movie openings of all-time:
As you can see, the #1 movie here, “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey,” made more in its opening weekend than the #1 January movie made in its entire theatrical run. In fact, every film in the December top 15 grossed more than $200 mil, except for “Tron Legacy.”
Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, “No shit, Sherlock [Holmes…#7 on this list, haha]. December movies make a lot of money because it’s the holiday season and studios are going to release big time family and adventure flicks, ya moron!” Point taken. But if we shouldn’t be focusing on the money, then how about on how much people enjoy the films? Using Rotten Tomatoes‘ Tomatometer as our measuring tool, let’s compare the average score of the top 14 January movies above (for this, I’ll let the limited December releases count, but am not including “Star Wars.”) with the top 14 December flicks:
Average score for January movies: 45%
Average score for December movies: 66%
Considering the fact that the January movies’ overall score was greatly boosted by the aforementioned December limited release films, and the December movies’ overall score was hurt by the two Chipmunks movies, this
is pretty damning for January. But that’s not the half of it. If you click here and look at the entire list of January-released movies, you will see a collection of turds and bombs like no other (including “Hansel and Gretel” at #30 and “Gangster Squad” at #49). The worst of the worst, though, have to be my all-time most hated movie ever “The Dilemma” at #42, and “Bio-Dome” at #190.
On the other side of the coin, if you click here and study the list of all December-released movies, you will see a plethora of Best Picture winners and nominees (including this year’s “American Hustle” and “The Wolf of Wall Street”), successful franchise films, and movies starring some of Hollywood’s most beloved actors and actresses. It’s really not even fair.
So what can we take away from all of this? We know that January films are not going to make the money of summer blockbusters or holiday hits, but why do they have to be so rotten? Can’t there be a few quality movies that come out every January that don’t concern themselves with the Oscars but are still enjoyable? The short answer is no. The more accurate answer is that in January, Hollywood does not care about you. How else can you explain the current barrage of commercials for Kevin Hart’s “Ride Along?”
Take a look at the releases for this January. We have “Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones,” a horror movie sequel that isn’t even considered an official sequel; “The Legend of Hercules,” a flop that will pale in comparison to The Rock’s “Hercules” being released in July; and more movies we have to not look forward to include “Devil’s Due,” “I, Frankenstein” and “That Awkward Moment.” Barf. However, there seems to be some excitement and acclaim for “Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit” coming out today, so maybe this can be the start of something new for January.
Probably not, though.
Overall, the best way to really illustrate the terrible nature of January films is to go back to Kevin Hart. As funny as he may be, nobody is clearing their schedule to go see his movies. However, if a Kevin Hart movie comes out in December (like “Grudge Match”), no matter how uninspired it may be, it’s at least going to feature legendary actors like Robert De Niro, Sylvester Stallone and Alan Arkin. If a Kevin Hart movie comes out in January, it’s going to feature Ice Cube.
