Well, week 11 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
Green Bay
The theme of the day was, “Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you like turnovers!” While Matt Stafford has his share of picks, Matt Flynn looked dreadful. The entire Green Bay team finished with 126 yards, which means the only way your holiday could have been any worse as a Packers fan would be if you walked in on your mom making out with your Uncle Ricky. Did I mention Uncle Ricky is your uncle on your mom’s side? Thanks Matt Flynn, you and Uncle Ricky ruined the day and maybe the rest of my life.
Oakland
The Raiders lost this game after forcing a Cowboys turnover and scoring within the first 12 seconds of the game. You realize how difficult it is to score that fast? Ryan Gosling couldn’t score that fast on OKCupid. The Raiders didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, other than being painfully boring. The game was so slow, at one point I was staring at my grandpa using a turkey bone to pick food from between his teeth and didn’t realize it wasn’t the game. The Cowboys are now at .500 so I look forward to a week of ESPN talking about them like they’re the ’72 Dolphins.
Pittsburgh
Nothing would have made me more thankful than seeing this game end with both teams realizing they’re both trash and deciding to take the rest of the season off to become better people. Joe Flacco had complained about the Ravens running the wildcat during the week and said he refuses to participate in those plays. Hey Joe, maybe if your passes didn’t look like Smalls throwing a baseball in the first half of “The Sandlot,” they wouldn’t need to have a runningback throwing passes. The Steelers are probably out of playoff contention and will hopefully just go away.
Tennessee
Congratulations to Indianapolis on winning in one of the most boring ways possible: kicking. Adam Vinatieri finished with more kicks than a kid playing a broken Mortal Kombat arcade machine with only one functioning button. You can’t even do a cool “Finish Him” move with the kick button! The Titans had every chance to win, but blew every opportunity like a Seahawks cornerback smoking through a dime bag.
Cleveland
The Jaguars have now won 3 of their last 4 and the Browns look like a bag of kidney stones passed through the urethra of Brandon Weeden into the toilet of the NFL. Despite Josh Gordon becoming the first receiver in NFL history to have back-to-back games with 200+ yards receiving, the Browns have lost both games and are poised to work their way up the 2014 Draft Board. With picks like Trent “Where’d You Go?” Richardson and Brandon “Why Are You Still Here?” Weeden, I’m sure the Browns will be Super Bowl contenders in no time.
Tampa Bay
The Panthers get their 8th win in a row, so for another week we have to watch Steve Smith do his best impression of Chris Tucker in “Friday,” and Cam Newton do that obnoxious Superman move that feels like a horrible rendition of DX’s “Suck It” motion. Mike Glennon isn’t a bad quarterback, but he didn’t get that memo today, as the Panthers’ defense beat him up like Carl Weathers lost his arm in “Predator” and then went on to box against Drago in “Rocky IV.”
Houston
If you’re keeping count at home, that’s ten straight losses for the Texans. They had every chance to win this, as Ben Tate piled on the touchdowns, but no one is going to remember that. The Texans now have as many losses as they had wins last season and their bandwagon is being abandoned faster than Ann Coulter on a blind date.
Chicago
I’m not sure how Chicago lost this game after ALSHON JEFFREY SINGLE HANDEDLY DESTROYED MY FANTASY FOOTBALL HOPES! Sorry about that. I don’t understand the Bears at all. Actually, the entire NFC North is stupid. Any time one of the teams has a shot to take a lead in the division they say, “Hmm, I could also take a giant dump in the middle of the field and rub my face in it. Yeah! I’ll do that instead!” I can’t wait to see which team is the least stupid and wins this division.
Arizona
The Cardinals are the latest victims of the Nick Foles Express. Not to be confused with the wrestling duo of Robert Gibson and Ricky Morton known as the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express.
If Carson Palmer could just settle down on his interceptions, then they could become serious contenders. But is that even possible? Is asking Palmer not to throw interceptions like asking a salmon not to swim upstream? No, but it is like asking that same salmon not to get intercepted by a bear when doing that stupid “jump out of the water” move. If you jump up once and see a bear, don’t jump out again!
New York Jets
Here’s my favorite shot of the Jets during their game against the Dolphins:
This has got to be the last year of Rex Ryan as head coach, right? It’s time for him to pass that stretched out sweater vest on to a new coach as he and Mark Sanchez ride off together on a carriage that’s pulled by Rob Ryan and guided by Mark and Rex tugging at different strands of Rob’s Lynyrd Skynrd-like hair.
San Diego
The Bengals held the Chargers to a season-low amount of points and took the pressure off Dalton by pounding out a solid run game throughout. Everyone loves to talk about teams like the Chargers or the Steelers or the Giants like they’re some sort of juggernaut that just decided to take the first 7 weeks off, but let’s face it, they’re not that good. If you went to a restaurant for two months and every time you went, the waiters gave your food to someone else and dropped pasta in your lap, would an eventual good visit make you think they’ve turned things around? No. Better luck next year, San Diego.
St. Louis
The 49ers have their premiere receiver back in Michael Crabtree, so it’ll be interesting to see if Kapernick is still as terrible as he’s been in the last few weeks. The Rams just could not get anything going and even Zac Stacy was kept out of the endzone. If you’re wondering why the Rams are starting Spiderman’s girlfriend, you’re actually thinking of Gwen Stacy. Those are different people, and one of them is actually fictitious so you may want to think about going to see a doctor?
Kansas City
That’s three in a row, Chiefs. The combination of Peyton Manning and Eric Decker was the most effective duo since Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker joined forces. That’s right, two different Chris Tucker references in one week. What is this, 2002? Chiefs fans can finally shut up, as every scenario they’ve used has now failed. You’re going to make the playoffs as a wildcard, but there’s no way the confidence is there and the intimidation definitely isn’t there. We’ve seen behind the curtain and know that the Wizard is actually just a chubby old Mr. Belvedere looking man by the name of Andy Reid.
Washington
In one of the most bizarre endings you’ll ever see, the referees signaled that the Redskins had a first down. After the play they decided that they actually didn’t have the first down, so they took it back like that stupid kid next door in 1992 that traded you all of his Ninja Turtles for a Super Soaker that had a hole in it. I can’t believe you brought your dad over and made me give it back, Brandon. Maybe the refs just wanted this useless game over with as much as everyone watching it. Eli grunts and mumbles his way to another win and the Redskins get another week of RG3’s dad hanging out in the locker room like a creepy field trip chaperone.
New Orleans
I don’t think anyone can question the power of Seattle with home field advantage. The Saints were completely destroyed and the only thing worse than their performance on the field is Jimmy Graham’s hair that looks like someone used MS Paint to edit Drake’s hair. Can you imagine how dominant the Seahawks would be if Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg didn’t play cornerback? I’m just sad we didn’t get another shot of Rob Ryan doing this:
