It’s not always a clear-cut path to knowing when it’s appropriate to leave a tip, especially when you’re a single guy whose mind is on the buns of the woman wiggling in front of him. Although some situations require proper tipping etiquette, others are open to interpretation. Come along as we explore the art of gratuity, break down barriers and decipher when you should leave a tip and how much.
Dine-In vs. Take-Out and Delivery
This is an easy one, sort of. It’s standard practice to give at least 15 percent for a bill at any restaurant. As a single guy not trying to impress anyone, 15 to 18 percent should allow you to sleep well, but for any guy showing a lady a nice time where the service and food is impeccable, you’re looking more towards 20 percent. If you’re feeling good and your date’s hand is on your leg already, round up to whatever number feels good and bask in the joy of a job well done, especially if you get to round the bases in the end (not with the waitress, well…maybe).
Take-out requires no tip, simply because ringing up an order on a register that does math is part of the human hourly wage responsibility. However, if you’re a regular who appreciates having his knit-picky order served up correctly, you might toss a buck or two onto the total. If you’re in a place that adds its gratuity on the bill already, pay it and get the hell out, as you are not one for trickery. No sir, you will have the last laugh.
Delivery is another story. Yes, many places tack on a delivery charge to your bill already, but you should still throw the driver a couple bucks if he is on time and friendly. If the restaurant offers free delivery, reward the driver a little more.
Returned Wallet
Very few things rank higher on the “son of a bitch!” scale than losing your wallet. After all, we’re talking about the loss of your I.D. card, credit card, cash, strip club receipts and medical marijuana “license.” This is a loss not to be taken lightly, as many things can go awry, especially if you’re in the midst of traveling.
For the kind soul who is nice enough to either track you down or return your recovered wallet to the proper authorities with all your money and possessions in tact, along with no future purchases of lady’s undergarments on eBay, a tip is required now more than ever. That person just saved you a bundle of misery for your own mistake, and when we say tip, we mean a generous dollar sum if they’ll take it (at least $20), a hug, and perhaps even a tushy squeeze mid-hug.
Valet/Bellhops
Here is a must-tip situation with the very simple reason being you are accepting a service you could very well do on your own. Whether you have a bad back from all those years of being not slim or you’re feeling entitled because you took a couple days off of work, in which you feel not only lazy but better than the guy who showed up to work today, just to carry your heavy load, you surely should recognize this. Whether parking your car or carrying your luggage, it’s only right to hand off at least two or three bucks for the time spent.
Now, if we’re talking about a valet service that overcharges so you can park your own car in one of several open spaces with zero need for valet, screw that noise. The fact that you paid to park your own car in an empty lot just means you’re in a pretentious parking lot full of pompous a-holes with hollowed-out hearts.
Bathroom Paper Towel/Mint Guy
It’s kind of nice and a little creepy all at once when a guy watches you clean your hands after releasing bodily fluids in a bathroom facility, so much so that you almost want to pay him to go away or pretend he doesn’t smell what you just unleashed. But for every time you’re reminded by his haunting eyes that it’s time to wash up or remove that bad breath before resuming with society, a tip may be in order, and yes, quarters count. He’s basically like a gainfully employed street beggar with dress pants and a bow tie so he’ll take anything, but if he wipes your ass for you, give him everything you got on ya.
Cocktail Bar
Standard practice calls for a dollar tip per beer and two per cocktail, unless of course the cocktails are abominations and should be recognized as such. If the bartender listens to all your life problems, offers a simple solution and makes a mean Manhattan, don’t be afraid to tip the part-time shrink generously for the clarity.
Now regarding tipping on airplanes when you order a stiff drink, that calls for an “oh hell no.” The airline already took you for every penny you’re worth just to hop aboard its potentially lethal contraption, but if you want to avoid a life of bad karma, you could always tip every other drink, since you have to swipe your card every time, and you know you’ll keep putting them down so long as someone keeps comi
ng by with that cart. Either she’s going to cut you off, you’re going to make a scene and wind up on the evening news or you’ll just pass out so tipping becomes a fool’s errand.
Coffee Shop Baristas
Chances are you frequent the next coffee shop you’ll go to, and baristas who know your order before you tip the hat good morning should be rewarded for their efforts to acknowledge you. Plus, it’s only nice to throw a dollar towards someone who just took a five-minute break from serving an infinite number of coffees to make you a double-half-caff-half-decaf soy latte, extra hot, no foam, with dashes of vanilla, Madagascar cinnamon and goat whiskers, you pretentious hipster with your $80 haircut and double-priced thrift jean jacket (sorry, got a little carried away there). And if it’s a standard coffee shop sweetie working the counter, pay her a compliment before you strut our to start your day.
Grocery Store/Home Depot
If you can carry your own groceries, you probably should do just that, but anybody helping you with a heavy several bags or a heavy load to your car just went outside their job description to make your day easier, so a few dollars is appreciated. Maybe a firm handshake, as well. Now if you’re taking the day laborer from Home Depot back to your place to plant your garden and clean your gutters, you better make him lunch and offer the guy some water on top of a generous tip. But really, they’re not meant to take home with you.
Gas Stations
No real man stops for directions, no matter how lost he may be. In the event that you find someone yelling from their car to yours where it is you need to turn, you can always tip your hat to them before you burn some dust and make them eat your rubber.
If you happen to stop in a gas station to grab some jerky or urinate on the restroom walls like everyone else, you could ask for directions, but there’s no need to tip someone for pointing their finger, whether it’s in the right direction or to say “eff you.” The only time you’d ever tip at a gas station is if you’re either too lazy to pump your own gas, believe you’re living in the 1920’s, or are in New Jersey.
Lemonade Stand
Most of the lemonade stirred up by these little scam artists is highly over-sweetened and overpriced, and it’s well within your rights not only to refuse to tip but to ask for your money back. Those kids thinking they can set up a card table with a piece of scribbled-on construction paper for a sign and sell self-satisfying yellow bile their mother cranked out so they could gut you for a quarter, maybe even a whole dollar, only to waste it on gumballs and video games that’ll make their teeth rot and eyes fall out can learn a valuable life lesson about survival of the fittest at a young age thanks to you. Unless you live in a rich neighborhood, then you pay $5 for a Dixie cup of coconut lemon water and tip kindly on top of that, maybe even pay for parking too.
