The Rusty American Guide For Being a Prick in Traffic
America is reopening. While we couldn’t be more eager to get back to normal life (whatever the hell that is), we also know there’s going to be an awkward adjustment period as we relearn how to do all the little things we’ve forgotten during coronavirus quarantine. Take driving, for example. It’s been far too long since we got behind the wheel and our skills are a little rusty. Thankfully, you have this Rusty American Guide For Being a Prick in Traffic. Review these asshole-inspired driving tips and you’ll be back on the road – rage and all – in no time.
Cover Photo: Petko Ninov
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You've got things to do and people to see. You don't have the two seconds it takes to indicate you're changing lanes. Driving is intuitive, like chess; everyone else on the road should be able to predict your next move well before you make it. If they can't, it's their loss.
Music was meant to be enjoyed at full volume, and no place is it more fun to crank it up to 11 than in the car. Your taste in tunes is impeccable, so other drivers are bound to appreciate you sharing your commuting soundtrack with them.
Car rides are long and boring. It's no wonder that you want to use the time more efficiently. That's why you eat, trim your nose hairs, cut your fingernails, and do all sorts of those little annoying tasks while you're behind the wheel. It saves you so much time in the morning.
Sometimes people need a reminder about what bad drivers they are. That's what words -- especially four-letter ones -- are for.
Use hand gestures liberally.
Other drivers can't always hear when you correct their mistakes verbally. That's what hand gestures are for. Body language is the one language we can all understand.
Text and drive.
Yeah, so it's illegal in many states now to pick up your phone and text while driving. But how are you supposed to know which gym entrance to meet your bro at if you can't check your texts? Or order your muscle milk smoothie before you pull up to the drive-thru? Not to mention that nude you're waiting on from last night's date, which you're practically salivating to see. Contrary to the PSAs, communication can't wait while you're on the road.
Pass on the right.
The left lane is for speed freaks like yourself. If any law-abiding citizen gets in your way, that's when passing in the right lane is not only OK, it's essential so they learn their lesson.
Tailgate slow pokes.
Some people need a little nudge on the highway. And by "nudge," we mean you riding their ass until they move or speed up. It's too bad that you always have to be the one to tell slowpokes to hit the gas, but c'est la vie.
Run all the yellow lights.
Yellow means "prepare to stop" -- which you will, once you reach your destination. For now, in your mind, yellow is just a less emphatic shade of green, which totally means, "Speed up!"
Race the merging cars.
Hey, these cars are on the highway now; they might as well act like it. By racing the merging cars, you're actually doing them a favor and helping them get up to the speed of traffic. They can thank you later.
Don't check your blind spots.
It takes a lot of work to crane your neck all the way around to check your blind spot every time you want to change lanes. Better to just make the move and assume someone will honk if you're about to get in an accident.
Sure, in driver's ed, they taught you to leave a sizable gap between your front bumper and the back bumper of the car ahead of you, but why should you have to socially distance in your car? Better to stop short mere inches from the next car so they know to hit the gas as soon as the light turns green.