8 Stealth Ways to Rub One Out While You’re Locked Down With a Far Less Horny Partner

Coronavirus lockdown is hard. Unfortunately, you are too, and you’re not getting nearly as much as you want from your partner. Maybe she’s too busy dealing with all of the Zoom meetings. Perhaps she’s taken up knitting and it’s better at holding her attention than you are. Or, maybe, she’s just grown sick of looking at you and has absolutely no interest in letting you grunt and sweat on top of her for seven minutes at a time.

Regardless, you’re caught between a rock and a hard place. You need to get off, but your partner just isn’t feeling it, and you’re not a cheater. So what do you do? Why, you flog the bishop of course! Obviously, this brings its own set of problems as well. You need to relieve yourself, but doing so in any kind of obvious way will only further gross out your girlfriend. Don’t worry, we have compiled a list of stealthy ways to rub one out, that will help you elude suspicion. As Bo Burnham once said, “I don’t think masturbation is obscene; it’s absolutely natural, and the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”

Cover Photo: Universal Pictures

It’s not you: 10 Terrible Movie Relationships to Make You Feel Better About Your Own Mess

Let it go: Mom Discovers List of Sex Positions in 5-Year-Old’s ‘Frozen 2’ Diary Child Pleads Innocence Because She Can’t Read or Write

Follow Mandatory on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.