The Mandatory Quarantine Guide to Redefining What Makes an Alcoholic
Due to coronavirus home confinement, the rules of drinking alcohol have been completely thrown out. Obviously, during a usual work week, it’s not socially responsible to start your day with a Kahlua-spike coffee, imbibe four pints of beer with lunch, and down three glasses of wine during happy hour. Boozing, for most of us, is confined to the weekend. Fridays and Saturdays are the days to have a few drinks and unwind. But, since we’re stuck at home, it’s as tough to remember what day it is as it is to recall whether or not we showered, much less assess whether you’ve become an alcoholic. So your whole world doesn’t spiral into three-hour afternoon naps and an alco, we figured the time was right to set forth a few new quarantine rules around drinking. Check them all out below.
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You shouldn’t have more than three drinks before lunch.
Normally, we’d say that you shouldn’t have more than three drinks in a day, or even in a whole week. But, in these strange times, we’re willing to loosen the rules a bit. You just might not want to imbibe so much before lunch unless you want to end up napping the afternoon away.
If you’re going to drink alone, at least turn on the TV.
Obviously, if you live alone, there will be times when you drink alone. If you’re not able to have a few wobbly pops with your friends via FaceTime or Zoom, just turn on Netflix and enjoy your beverages with Michael Scott and the rest of The Office.
Don’t call or text your ex after you’ve enjoyed a few alcoholic beverages.
Just because you’re stuck at home and feeling lonely doesn’t mean that the time is right to sext your ex at 3 p.m. She probably won’t appreciate getting that message in the middle of her Zoom work meeting.
If you’re going to drink, at least look out the window and pretend you’re not sitting in your dusty basement.
If you have a balcony or a yard, have your drinks out there. It will at least make you feel like life is sort of normal. This is even though drinking at noon on Wednesday isn’t ever really normal, is it?
Don’t drink before a work meeting or before starting your workday.
Even though there’s a pretty good chance you rarely change out of your pajamas before starting work, treat working from home like a normal workday. Don’t crack open a beer instead of pouring a cup of coffee. Just because you’re home and can nap any time, that doesn’t mean that you should pass out drunk and miss your daily meeting.
Don’t hide your bottles in random places around your house.
Just because your roommates have been eyeing that bottle of 10-year-old Ardbeg Single Malt Scotch that doesn’t mean you should randomly hide bottles all throughout your apartment or house. That’s just rude. If you’re day drinking, share with your roommates. It’s more fun with friends.
Don’t drink so much that you raise your tolerance to a ridiculous level.
Just because you can drink any time you want, that doesn’t mean you should. Pace yourself or you’re bound to increase your tolerance so much that you’re going to drink all of your booze and be left with nothing but peppermint Schnapps and cooking sherry.
Don’t mix your booze with random mixers that make no sense.
Just because you believe the electrolytes in your sports energy drink will help you stave off the potential of a hangover, that doesn’t mean you should mix an expensive bottle of aged rum with a gallon of Gatorade. You’re going to end up pretty unhappy with the overall flavor. But you’ll still probably drink it.
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While we like to joke about enjoying a few alcoholic drinks while you’re quarantined at home, we also want to make sure everyone drinks responsibly. If you need help with substance abuse, please contact an organization like SAMHSA.
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