A Funny Timeline For Your Next Summer Hike
This summer, prove you do more than get wasted and lose multiple days to being hungover with an impromptu hike. By posting nature selfies, you’ll convince friends and family you’re living your best life (instead of what you typically do on the weekend, which is lie on your sofa, praying to God for your head to stop pounding). Plus, going hiking means you can skip the gym (if you even do that sort of thing). In case it’s been a minute since you’ve enjoyed the glorious outdoors, here’s what to expect from an atypical hike on what may very well be the hottest day of the year.
Photo: piola666 (Getty Images)
Before You Hit The Trail
You've done it. You left the house by noon even though your head is pounding. You park your car and smoke a bowl knowing that God's cure-all will cradle you through this adventure. But now you have cottonmouth, so you pound the tiny water bottle you brought along and head for the trail.
5 Minutes In
Your smartphone has no reception. You're starting to sweat. The shoes you wore have no support and you're already struggling. You take three photos for Instagram and text your passed-out BFF, "Wish you were here." The text never sends.
10 Minutes In
You're invigorated thanks to the copious amounts of nature, not to mention the super hot person who just ran by in minimal clothing. You're really starting to sweat now. You take off your shirt and wipe your face with it. You're one with the Earth.
15 Minutes In
Why. The. Fuck. Did. You. Drink. All. The. Water.
20 Minutes In
You consider drinking out of a brook, but there isn't one. There's nothing but sand and rock and dirt for what seems like miles. You also realize you've only been on the trail for roughly 20 minutes. To turn around would be to admit defeat but you also have no idea how much longer the hike is since you didn't bother to look it up.
30 Minutes In
Why didn't you wear sunscreen? You try to stay in all the shady spots, but there are none. Your wireless headphones die because you never charge them and you pray for a swift death.
40 Minutes In
You realize that you're rounding the trail and can see the trailhead. You're going to make it after all. Water or no water, you're lucky to be alive. You begin to skip but that sets off your hangover and you barf into some nearby bushes.
Back At Your Car (Finally)
It's been about an hour. You get in your car and blast the air conditioner. Nature is no one's friend. You scowl at the happy family arriving in their car. nature is for idiots.
Later That Day
You meet up with your friends at the bar. You order a double vodka soda and skip the horrifying parts about melting to death and running out of water. The wilderness turns people into men, which is what you obviously are now. All your friends know it, too, so you smugly order another drink and think about next summer's hike.