‘Justin Bieber: Seasons’ Drops On YouTube This Month (And Other Celebrity Documentaries We Never Asked For)
Nobody asked for more Justin Bieber in their lives, but YouTube doesn’t care. The video platform is set to release a 10-part documentary “event” on Jan. 27 called Justin Bieber: Seasons. (We can only hope we’re in the winter of our discontent so this will all be over soon.) The docuseries is said to cover his “challenges” in recording a new album and the “joys of marriage.” (Are you dry heaving yet?) In honor of this unfortunate entertainment news, we’ve amassed 10 other celebrity documentaries we never asked for. Hate on them with us and save yourself from wasting time on these sorry, ego-stroking excuses for cinema.
Cover Photo: YouTube Originals
'Justin Bieber: Never Say Never'
A repeat documentary offender and diminutive narcissist, Justin Bieber made his big screen debut at 16 with this self-congratulatory 3D concert film. Light on substance and heavy on earworms that may be fatal, this doc would serve as an effective torture device.
'One Direction: This Is Us'
Unexpectedly directed by Morgan Spurlock (of Super Size Me fame), this boy band doc captures the Irish-English musical phenomenon born of Simon Cowell and The X Factor. If what you’re picturing is a lot of gratuitous bare-chested shots, rabid fans, and dimwitted dude conversation, well, that’s about the extent of this film.
'Katy Perry: Part of Me'
If Candyland-like costumes, Kool-Aid-colored wigs, and saccharine pop songs are your jam, you might like this documentary about Katy Perry. For the rest of us, it’s an exercise in excess and superficiality as cameras follow Perry, the daughter of Pentecostal ministers and momentary wife of Russell Brand, on her California Dreams tour.
'Coldplay: A Head Full of Dreams'
Hey, we liked Coldplay when they were feisty and heartbroken, back in their Parachutes days. But this happy happy joy joy shit Chris Martin is pumping out lately? Pass. We’re tickled pink that your life is so swell, Chris. We really are. But your enthusiasm has reached annoying levels and we just can’t take it anymore. It’s like you live on bungee cords. And this documentary, which basically follows how your band just got one good break after another, doesn’t make us like you any more. We did enjoy, however, seeing you in your adolescent ugly phase.
'Gaga: Five Foot Two'
For the amount of times the itty-bitty singer-songwriter says how “personal” what she does is in this film, there’s really nothing personal about it. Lady Gaga is a persona, and if you think you’re going to get to know the woman underneath the superstar, you’re wrong. Vapid, empty, and ultimately unfulfilling, this film is just another cog in the artist’s massive PR machine.
'Kurt & Courtney'
Talk about exploitative filmmaking at its worst. What supposedly started out as a documentary about Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love’s drug-happy relationship turned into a conspiracy theory that claims Love killed her Nirvana-fronting husband and father of her only child. Is it so hard to imagine that Cobain was so depressed and/or drug-addicted that death felt like a relief from living? Come on, people.
'Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work'
Joan Rivers is an acquired taste and damn, is she hard to swallow. Rivers was in her late 70s at the time this film was shot, though you wouldn’t know it from her plasticized face. The only thing harder than looking at her is listening to her; the jokes are cruel, vulgar, and unfunny, like being berated by your meanest grandma for 84 minutes.
'Backstreet Boys: Show 'Em What You're Made Of'
You’re probably not old enough to know who the Backstreet Boys were, which is why this doc will be completely lost on you. Once upon a time, they were the bestselling boy band in the world, and this film catches up with them on their 20th anniversary tour – because that makes for gripping entertainment. (Not, as they used to say in the ‘90s.) There will be no surprises in this film, for fans or noobs, because let’s face it: boy bands, especially as adults, are boring AF.
'Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert'
Many, many years ago, Miley Cyrus was wholesome. Or was she? Maybe it was all an act in service of her Disney TV character Hannah Montana. Either way, who cares? You can’t watch the fully-clothed singer perform for hordes of screaming girls without remembering the slutty dumpster fire she became in her 20s.
'Twenty Feet From Stardom'
Though critically acclaimed, we object to the very premise of this film: examining the lives and careers of backup singers. Hey, if you were that great, we’d know your name and you would’ve been the star of your very own music documentary. Since that didn’t happen, we really don’t care how close you were to stardom.